January 2006


I did a bad thing by browsing the web regarding my small follicle size. The information out there is not good for much else besides increasing depression. If I don’t respond to my increased meds (they’re doubling my stims), then I may have to cancell the cycle. DH was good when I called him bawling into the phone and comforted me. Meanwhile yss was a horror this morning before kindergarden. Oh, the joys of stepparenthood. Of course, I always say my children will be different. If only God will give me a chance to test that theory.

Most of IVF is spent waiting. Waiting for blood tests results, for retrival, poas test results, for phone calls to be returned.

I love my IVF clinic. They’re supportive, quick, I never have to wait, and they’re just plain darn nice. (This is all good because they’re the only place near us, and the only one our insurance will cover.) But they have this thing about answering the phone. They don’t do it. Oh, they have voice mail where they’ll call you back, but will they actually pick up the phone? Nope.

I had my u/s and another blood test today. My folicles are small. My left side is much smaller than my right, and my right isn’t that big. My body is being slow, and I want something done about it. NOW!!! I need to refill that very expensive medication and I’m trying to cook dinner and damn it just call me back!!

I already know that my retrival is going to be pushed back days. Most people would be ready for retrival now, but not me. And of course, I’m counting in my head, “well, if I do have a baby it’s going to be in Thanksgiving!” And do I want it then? NO I want it now. I never said patience was a gift of mine. God, help me! And help those nurses return my call. NOW! please. thanx.

I am so bloated right now. I look as if I’m pregnant, I don’t fit into my skinny jeans, and I feel just plain icky. It could be worse – at least I don’t have any more hot flashes or Lupron headaches.

 Tomorrow I go in for my u/s and blood test. I’m praying that they’ll tell me when I can trigger. Honestly, though, I don’t feel like my ovaries are big enough (as if I could tell that!) I’ve got to make sure I drink enough fluids in the morning to make my blood draw easier. I like them to use the butterfly needles, and they don’t want to since they only have so many of them. Hell, I’ll pay them cash if they want! It makes it so much easier and less painful. We’ll see if I have the nerve to insist tomorrow morning.

I just read two messages on my infertility board from two members. One got a bfn (big fat negative) on her pregnancy test today. The other just reported that she lost her pregnancy. Her levels just dropped. I don’t even know these women, and yet I am so sad at their losses. Here I am, with all the hope in the world, injecting myself three times a day, all in hopes that my experience will be different, that MY cycle will work. But there is no guarantee. There is no sure fire way to make this thing happen. And that makes me incredibly sad. I’ve cut out caffeine, no more fast foods, more veggies, more water, less stress, and it still may not be enough. And that really really sucks. I’m sad for my new friends who have their hearts broken tonight.

Friday, January 27, 2006 

Before dealing with IVF, I had never posted on a web board, never blogged, nor read many blogs. There are tons of people who are going through what I am. I just happen not to know any of them. The internet changes all of that. Before I started this blog, I obsessively googled blogs about IVF, about IVF meds, and everything else I could think of. I just wanted to feel less alone. Some were depressing, some uplifting, some dull. But all made me understand in a new way that I am not alone in this.

On another note, my 6 year old stepson won’t stop lying! First it was about picking his nose, then about whether he had stuck his hands down his pants or sucked his thumb. Today it was whether he had eaten all his cereal. What would have happened if he had said, “No, I didn’t and I’m sorry”? He would have had to clean up the chex he dumped in the dishwasher. But no, that was too complicated. He lied and I caught him in it. He cleaned the dishwasher and then when his father came home for lunch, he got a spanking for lying. This child doesn’t seem to have his brain on straight. He’s the one who put the cat in the fridge, “She climbed in, daddy!” who can’t quite grasp the concept of not touching himself in public.  I love this kid, but sometimes he makes me want to have my tubes tied.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

 It should all be easier than this. Boy meets girl, get happy, get baby. Unless…. boy had vasectomy, got a divorce, got remarried, got a vasectomy reversal, and got sperm antibodies. No baby for me. Two stepsons, four cats, and a dog. Now I’m in the process of doing IVF. Having spent far too much time reading other informative blogs of other women who poke themselves daily with needles, I decided to waste more valuable internet space with my very own blog. If anything, it will help me keep track of my blood counts, days, and most importantly, keep me from getting ranting at my dear husband and stepsons (who have been told that I’m “grumpy” for a little while).

 Grumpy. Oh holy crap! I have PMS on steroids right now! I’m on three injectables – Lupron, Bravelle, and Menopur. I am so f&*^ing moody. The boys only know that I inject myself with needles – had to tell them in case they came across my sharps because I can just see them telling their mother that stepmom has needles all over the house. That wouldn’t go over well. 

 Back to basics here – on January 3rd I began Lupron – it’s injected with a nice, tiny needle like diabetics use. Not too bad! On January 21st I started my stim meds – Bravelle and Menopur in addition to the Lupron (which was cut in half). They sting going in. The problem seems to be scheduling them. 8 AM and 8 PM, so I’ve done them in bathrooms of churches and at conference room restrooms. It’s a little unnerving when someone walks in and you have a needle up your abdomen.

I was a little dissapointed with my visit to my RE on January 25th. I have this idea that my folicles are going to be getting big, that I’ll be able to do the retrevial in the next few days. That’s not going to happen. They’re small. Really, really small. My next appointment is for Monday, and they haven’t increased my meds. Patience is not my virtue of choice. All I can do is grow more bloated, crabbier, and grumpier until then.